


Sallie, Darling

by Burner_Phone



Series: Sallie [1]
Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-03-25
Packaged: 2019-11-18 23:47:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18128120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Burner_Phone/pseuds/Burner_Phone
Summary: In a lot of ways, Shane’s life had stopped really beinghisthe second he agreed to join Unsolved. It had become Shane-and-Ryan, Ryan-and-Shane, the ghoul boys, the packaged deal, bound by oath, together forever. So when Ryan had held the baby, looked at Shane with those big brown eyes, and saidlet’s take her with us,a part of Shane had just said, yeah, alright, wherever you wanna go, Ry. Wherever you wanna go, I’ll be there, Shane-and-Ryan, Ryan-and-Shane, the ghoul boys, the packaged deal, bound by oath, together forever.And the thing is, as they talk to the stewardess to get Sallie cleared to fly, and Ryan waxes poetics about how difficult being a single father is, andthat's why he forgot her birth certificate, he’s so sorry, please can they make an exception just this once,as Sallie burbles at him from where she’s sitting in Ryan’s lap, Ryan snoozing with his head on Shane’s shoulder, as they land and Ryan begins his nervous babbling about which hospital would be best.The thing is, as all this happens, Shane doesn’t regret it, not any of it, even for a second. Maybe this was just inevitable, a part of him thinks, bound by oath, together forever, even in this.





	1. Bound By Oath, Together Forever

**Author's Note:**

> Alternatively titled, Accidentally In Love
> 
> Please note some of this info may not be 'canonically' accurate to their lives! I normally like to stick close to canon, but it felt creepy searching through the internet for their life stories so some of this will be improvised.
> 
> I'm going to attempt to update weekly!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RPF has certainly been a challenge! Especially these boys, their banter is so perfect it's impossible to replicate. But I'm ready for it!

The baby’s not even a month old when its mother decides she can’t do it anymore. 16 is too young to raise a child, and she’d only kept it because the law had made it clear she couldn’t get rid of it. It wasn’t her fault, she didn’t know what sex could lead to. But giving it to an orphanage would mean paperwork, which would mean her family finding out she’s not studying abroad in France, and they’ll know, and her life will be over.

 

She has to get rid of it.

 

*

 

The baby’s not even a month old when it’s left on the steps of an abandoned house, one its mom had heard was haunted from her friends, so no one will be inside to notice her when she puts it down. Leaving it in a dumpster or on the side of the road is too much, but at least putting it in front of a house gives her the illusion she’s not leaving it to die, like any moment someone will open the door and see it and it will be alright.

 

It has to die, she’s too paranoid the story she’s so perfectly crafted will fall apart if it doesn’t, but she’ll take whatever comfort she can.

 

*

 

The baby’s not even a month old when shaking, clawed hands pick it up from the porch swing. The hands are cold, colder than even the night, and the baby wails louder.

 

A grotesque face stares down at it, silent, before looking back in the direction its mother had come from.

 

The being turns, limps over to the house door, and takes the baby inside.

 

*

The baby’s not even a month old when diapers, formula, blankets, all once meant for enhancing effects on tours, are taken from around the house, now put to use.

 

*

 

The baby is a month old when a disembodied voice whispers _Sallie_ into her ear like a curse.

 

*

 

The baby is two months old when Shane and Ryan decide to revisit the Sallie House, much to Ryan’s horror and Shane’s amusement.

 

*

 

The baby’s two months and thirty days old when there’s no more formula, and the diapers are almost gone.

 

*

 

The baby is exactly three months old when Ryan and Shane arrive at the house, Ryan armed to the teeth with holy water, Shane’s eyes fond as he watches Ryan preemptively freak out.

 

They’re still setting up the cameras, so Shane meanders up to Ryan, places a hand on Ryan’s shaking ones where they’re fiddling with the water gun.

 

“It’s going to be fine,” Shane says.

 

“I gave the demon the finger,” Ryan hisses, “ _several_ fingers! _You’ll_ be fine, _I’ll_ be skinned alive!”

 

“Then I’ll protect you!” Shane declares, “There will be no skinning on this trip!”

 

“What are you gonna do, flail in the wind like a car repair shop ballon and scare it off?” Ryan mutters, but he’s smiling.

 

“Ryan, are you implying I cannot protect you from whatever may come?” Shan grins, bumping elbows.

 

“Those noodle arms couldn’t protect me from an aggressive squirrel, let alone a demon,” Ryan laughs, pushing at Shane’s chest with no real force.

 

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Shane snorts, “all those squirrely ghosts don’t stand a chance against me.”

 

“Oh my god, would you let that go?” Ryan wheezes out.

 

“Absolutely not, it’s imperative the entire world knows that Ryan Bergara believes in squirrel ghosts, and their grieving wives and two kids,” Shane replies loftily.

 

“I hate you,” Ryan laughs, but his hands have stopped shaking, and the smile is back on his face.

 

“If you’re done being disgusting, the cameras are on,” TJ replies from the side, and Shane gets to watch from up close as Ryan’s cheeks dust pink.

 

“We’ll be as disgusting as we like, thank you very much,” Shane says, laughing as Ryan shoves him away with his (admittedly) superior strength, “and you can put that in the episode!”

 

“Do NOT put that in the episode!” Ryan snaps, a frazzled look in his face, and TJ gives him an unimpressed look.

 

“You do most of the editing,” he points out, and Ryan opens his mouth before closing it again.

 

“Right,” he says eventually, “I knew that.”

 

*

 

“Some of the more recent tour groups have claimed to hear babies crying, and things like formula and diapers have gone missing from the shelves,” Ryan recites, giving Shane _care to explain that?_ Look.

 

“Someone’s stealing baby supplies from a house that isn’t using them,” Shane nods, “good for them! Kill the tourism industry dead, I say. Give that shit to people who need it.” Ryan rolls his eyes.

 

“We couldn’t film in most locations without that tourism industry,” he points out.

 

“We can film anywhere we want Ryan, the world is our oyster!”

 

“Not just anywhere has hauntings, Shane.”

 

“Nowhere has hauntings, actually, so my point stands.”

 

“ _Anyways_!” Ryan turns back towards the camera. “Let’s take a look, shall we?”

 

*

 

The baby is exactly three months old, dozing by the heat of the boiler when Ryan and Shane walk down into the basement.

 

Shane’s busy narrating something to the camera, so Ryan heads back towards the hole in the wall.

 

He takes one look and screams.

 

*

 

The baby wakes up to a shrill scream, the loudest noise she’s heard in months, and begins to wail.

 

*

 

There’s the clatter of expensive equipment as Shane drops his hand-held camera, swiveling around to stare at Ryan’s back.

 

“Shane,” Ryan croaks, visibly trembling, “Shane, there’s- there’s a-” He looks back, eyes wide, almost teary. “You can hear that, right?” His voice cracks. Shane jogs over, stares into the hole past Ryan.

 

“Holy shi-” Ryan slaps a hand over his mouth. All along the walls, words are written in large, bright red letters. The handwriting is scratchy and pointed, like whoever was writing didn’t have the motor skills to draw circles.

 

_Found baby. Mother gone. Not coming back. No more food. Will die. Save or I kill you._

 

On the ground where a baby lies there are two words, viciously underlined.

 

_Name Sallie._

 

Shane doesn’t even hesitate.

 

*

 

“Are you crazy?” Ryan hisses, grabbing his arm, “that’s a demon baby! Its name is Sallie! Don’t touch it!”

 

“It’s a baby, Ryan! I’m not going to leave it lying on the ground!” Shane snaps, yanking his arm from Ryan’s grasp. He walks over and reaches down, picking up the child; she quiets immediately in his arms. Ryan backs up as Shane starts to walk back over with it.

 

“No, no, no, no, no,” Ryan squeaks out, “Shane, put that thing back where you found it, or I swear to god-!”

 

“I’m not going to leave a baby lying on the ground, Ryan,” Shane says, but most of his mind is preoccupied staring down at its tiny features, “the mother probably left it here to be found by a tour, it’s not a demon baby.”

 

“And the writing?” Ryan asks, halfway to hysterics, “you think a mom would just- write that kind of shit?”

 

“Maybe she wanted to make it sound like a demon was writing it,” Shane tries. The blankets the baby is in are filthy, and he unwraps it to wrap it back up in his (much cleaner) coat.

 

“Why would she do that?” Ryan asks, “why would she make it sound like her baby was- was- some, some demon baby?”

 

“I don’t know, Ryan!” Shane snaps, “It doesn’t matter why! It’s a baby, and the mother’s clearly not coming back. I think this investigation is over, we need to take it to a hospital or something, make sure it’s healthy.” He looks over at Mark, who’s just standing there, the camera limp in his grasp.

 

“How are you so calm about this?” Ryan hisses out, still eyeing the writing on the wall.

 

“Wait for the shock to wear off,” Shane mutters, “then ask me again.”

 

*

 

Ryan’s silent as they gather their equipment, and Shane gives him space to think. _Shane’s_ still not sure what to think about this. They probably won’t be able to salvage this shoot, which isn’t great, but at least they’ve got a good reason, so with any luck, the higher-ups won’t get on their case too bad.

 

“You guys can go back to the hotel, me and Ryan will take her to the hospital,” Shane tells the rest of the crew, who all give him a range of relieved looks and begin getting in the car.

 

“Why do I have to go with you?” Ryan mutters, and Shane snorts.

 

“Seeing as we only have two cars and the crew fills up one, your options are either stay at the Sallie house or come to the hospital with me,” he says, and Ryan freezes, a look of horror on his face.

 

“I meant why couldn’t one of the crew come with you, Shane! Jesus, don’t even joke!” he hisses, and Shane tries very hard not to show his amusement.

 

“We’re a packaged deal, Bergara. Where one goes the other follows.” He’s lacking his usual pep, but it still manages to pull a smile out of Ryan. “Here,” he says, handing the baby, who’s been asleep since shortly after Shane picked her up, to Ryan.

 

“Wait, I said I don’t-!” Ryan says, but Shane doesn’t give him a chance to object.

 

“You’re in no state to drive, Ry,” he points out, “you never are when you’re this wound up. And someone needs to drive.” Ryan hesitates for a moment, before taking the child reluctantly.

 

“Shane, I really don’t-” The little girl opens her wide, brown eyes and stares up at him. She untangles an arm, reaching up to him with an _ah_ sound, and Ryan freezes. Eventually, he hesitantly sticks out his pinky and she latches onto it, making a please _gah!_ as she squeezes. He opens his mouth, before closing it and swallowing.

 

“She’s- cute,” he manages finally, and Shane gives a soft laugh.

 

“C’mon then, in you two go,” he leads Ryan over to the car and Ryan follows, still staring down at her.

 

*

 

They’re halfway to where the Google lady claims the nearest hospital is when Ryan finally tears his eyes away from the baby.

 

“Hey, uh,” he hesitates, “if we go to the hospital they’ll, like, take her away, right?”

 

“Yeah,” Shane nods, “she’ll be off your hands soon enough, don’t worry.” Ryan’s silent, and Shane glances over to see him biting his lip.

 

“But- what if she’s, like, really a demon baby?” he tries, and Shane sighs.

 

“Ryan, I can’t believe I even have to say these words, but she is not a demon baby.”

 

“You don’t know that!” Ryan protests, “We should take her with us, she could be the proof we need! What if-” Shane pulls the car over and turns to face him.

 

“Ryan Bergara, that is a human baby who’s been abandoned by her mother, not a fun souvenir we get to say ‘finders keeper!’ about and take back to LA. We are not going to prevent this baby from getting the help she might need because you believe in supernatural creatures no one has ever caught on film and who _do not exist_. She is going to a doctor, they are going to look at her, fix any problems, then put her in the system, and we are going to leave knowing she’ll be taken good care of by someone who knows what they’re doing.” The baby makes another _ah_ sound, tugging on Ryan’s pinky from where it hasn’t let go, and Ryan says nothing for a while.

 

“How about we wait until tomorrow, then,” he says weakly, “we’re both tired, we should get some sleep and-” the baby makes an insistent _AH_ sound, yanking with more force, and Ryan gives a soft laugh. “She’s got a grip.” It clicks.

 

“Oh Ryan,” Shane sighs, leaning back in his chair and rubbing his face. Ryan’s shoulder hunch defensively and he glares.

 

“Don’t you ‘oh Ryan’ me!” he snaps, “I’m tired! You’re tired! We’re all tired! We should sleep first!” Shane shakes his head and stays silent for a moment, before reaching out and rerouting their GPS to a 24/7 Walgreens. Ryan glances at it, then back to him in confusion.

 

“We’re getting formula and diapers, and with any luck some kind of bottle. And _you’re_ paying for it,” Shane says, utterly exhausted.

 

“Yeah,” Ryan nods, “yeah- yeah, okay, that’s fair.”

 

*

 

The cashier doesn’t give them weird looks for being two grown-ass men coming into a Walgreens at 3:30 in the morning with a baby wrapped in a coat to purchase a pack of diapers, a box of baby formula, a bottle, and five large kit-kats, for which Shane is immensely grateful.

 

“Make it six kit-kats,” Ryan mutters from where he’s rummaging around the baby aisle, still holding the baby close, and Shane makes it seven because he’s not paying anyway, and he needs the sugar.

 

“Long day?” the cashier asks conversationally, popping her bubblegum. Shane stares at her for a moment too long to process the question.

 

“You could say that,” he nods, glances over to see Ryan walking up with a change of clothes for the baby. She takes her fist out of her mouth to wave at Shane, and he waves back on instinct.

 

“Cute kid,” the cashier says as she rings them up.

 

“Thanks,” Ryan beams, and Shane can already see the nightmare it’s going to be getting Ryan to give her up tomorrow; he should’ve taken her straight to the hospital.

 

“Got a name?” the cashier asks, handing Shane the bags.

 

“Sallie,” Shane says as he takes them. Sallie squeals as if to agree, waving her fist once again clenched around Ryan’s pinky.

 

“Her name isn’t Sallie,” Ryan interjects, “absolutely not.”

 

“It’s the name that came with the product, Ryan,” Shane says.

 

“That’s not how it works!”

 

“It’s a cute name,” the cashier offers.

 

“It’s also the name a demon gave her,” Ryan snaps, “we’re _not_ keeping the name a demon gave her.”

 

“Recent adoption, then?” the cashier smiles at Sallie, who lets go of Ryan’s hand to reach for her.

 

“Sort of,” Ryan says, at the same time Shane says, “No.” The cashier laughs.

 

“It’s okay, I won’t get on you about same sex couples and kids,” she reassures, “it’s a dumb rule anyway, our state’s pretty backwards. In places like California, they can get married, raise kids, the whole shebang.” Shane opens and closes his mouth, before giving a jerky nod.

 

“Thanks,” he manages, and she nods back.

 

“Good luck,” she gives a bright smile, and Shane feels his soul leave his body a little bit as they walk back to the car.

 

*

 

“I know how to do this,” Ryan blurts out when they enter the car, “I’ve babysat my little cousin before, I can change diapers and feed her and stuff.” Shane puts his head on the steering wheel and just sits there for a moment trying to process the whole situation.

 

“You can’t keep her, Ryan,” he says finally, “she’s not a pet.”

 

“I know,” Ryan mumbles, not meeting his eyes.

 

*

 

They get back to their room, Sallie and bags in tow, and Ryan quickly gets to work.

 

“Hold her, I need to heat up the formula,” he says, placing Sallie in Shane’s hands. He’s dead on his feet at this point, and just lets Ryan instruct him in whatever way may be needed.

 

He looks down at her, finally getting a chance to really examine her features. Her eyes are wide and brown, with tufts of black hair on her head. Her nose is long and straight, and her chubby cheeks expand as she blows a spit bubble. He gives a startled laugh when it occurs to him.

 

“What?” Ryan asks, walking over.

 

“She’s got your hair and my nose,” Shane says, “and both our eyes.” Ryan stares down at her, and Shane watches the recognition flicker over his features.

 

“Yeah,” he says, voice strained, “yeah, she does.”

 

*

 

Ryan feeds her, burps her, and changes her while Shane disappears into the bathroom to get ready for bed. When he comes back out in a t-shirt and sweats Ryan’s tearing up his bedspread and rearranging it into some circular formation with pillows and blankets.

 

“I’m no snooze expert, but I’m pretty sure that’s going to make it difficult to sleep,” Shane says, watching him work.

 

“We don’t have a crib,” Ryan explains, “I looked it up on Google, this is the next best thing. It’ll keep her warm and make sure she’s safe from rolling off the sides.”

 

“Lovely, but my point stands,” Shane says.

 

“I figured I could just, uh,” Ryan pauses, rubbing his neck, “sleep with you? I mean, it’s not the first time we’ve done it, we’re always doing it on-site, so it’s not like it’s weird or anything, plus people sleep together all the time! Not like sex sleep together, like platonic sleep together. I mean people do sleep together like sex all the time, but that’s not what I-”

 

“You can sleep with me, Ryan,” Shane interrupts.

 

“Yeah, yeah okay- nothing weird, just two guys sleeping in the same bed, it’s happened before, people do it all the time. It’s totally normal,” Ryan says, gathering his stuff and walking into the bathroom.

 

Shane shakes his head, before walking over to Sallie’s makeshift crib. She looks up at him with sleepy eyes, making a soft _ah_ sound.

 

“You’ve snagged Ryan by the heart,” he sighs. She reaches both hands up for him, and he gives a soft laugh, “sorry sweetheart, but you’ve got to sleep. I do too,” he picks her up anyway, though, and brings her to his face, a soft smile on his lips. She makes a burbling sound and places both hands on his cheeks, making him laugh again. “You’re certainly a cutie,” he admits, and she gives a high-pitched squeal of what sounds like agreement.

 

“ _You better not be playing with her, she needs to sleep!_ ” Ryan calls from the bathroom, and Shane winces.

 

“Don’t tell Ryan,” he whispers to her, before putting her down and tucking her back in. She whines, but ultimately settles when he backs out of her view. He doesn’t have much experience with babies, but he’s pretty sure they lucked out with this one.

 

He climbs into bed as he hears the shower turn on, rolls over, and is halfway to sleep when the bathroom door opens again. He feels Ryan sit on the edge of the bed as if hesitating, before slowly climbing under the covers. His warmth radiates beside Shane, and they quickly both drift off.

 

*

 

Their flight isn’t until evening, a genius tactic Ryan had discovered to allow them to get some actual sleep the day after going to these haunted hellholes.

 

They’re all dead to the world, until 7:30 in the morning when Sallie starts wailing. Shane groans and kicks Ryan under the covers.

 

“It was your idea to keep her,” Shane grunts, and Ryan groans.

 

“You agreed to it,” he mutters, but Shane feels the warmth at his side leave as Ryan gets up to deal with her. Shane slams a pillow over his head to muffle the crying, prays it doesn’t wake the neighbors, and falls back asleep.

 

*

 

He’s woken up again by a violent shaking of his shoulder, and un-smooshes his face from the pillow to hear the wailing has yet to stop.

 

“She won’t calm down, dude,” Ryan groans, “I’ve tried everything!” He sounds mildly panicked, and Shane sighs.

 

“Give her to me,” he mutters, standing, and Ryan does so easily. Sallie’s face is scrunched up in distress as she cries.

 

“I’ve fed her, burped her, changed her diaper,” Ryan counts off, pacing, before collapsing on the bed. Shane bounces her a bit, walking around like he’s seen some friends of his do with their newborns. When that doesn’t work, he sits down beside Ryan and begins singing the first thing that comes to his head.

 

“You’ve got a love inside your heart, it’s burnin’ like a fryin’ pan,” he sings. He hears Ryan groan next to him, but Sallie’s face starts to un-scrunch, and she’s looking up at him as her wailing gets quieter.

 

“I can’t believe it,” Ryan mutters, “if she grows up liking the hot daga I’m disowning you both.” Shane continues to sing until Sallie’s noises have quieted to sniffles, before he stands back up and walks around with her some more.

 

“She’s not _ours,_ Ryan,” Shane points out, and Ryan falls quiet.

 

“I know,” he mumbles, “is it bad I kind of want her to be?”

 

“You want my genuine answer or my softball answer?” Shane asks.

 

“I want to say genuine, but I’m not sure I could handle it,” Ryan admits.

 

“Okay, my softball answer is it’s not bad you want her to be, we’ve evolved in a way that makes our parental instincts strong, it’s a mechanism of survival,” Shane explains, voice soft, “but the logistics of it would be… difficult.” Sallie makes a soft, sleepy noise in his arms when he unconsciously stops pacing, and he resumes.

 

“But, like, not impossible, right?” Ryan tries, looking up at him.

 

“Ryan, this isn’t a decision to make overnight,” Shane points out, “we’ve got a career that has us traveling, and even with my help, being a single parent would be hard for you.” Ryan blinks, stares like the thought hadn’t occurred to him.

 

“Yeah,” he manages, but it comes out strangled, “right.” Sallie’s fallen asleep, so Shane walks back over to their bed, puts her in the middle, and climbs under the covers himself. “Wait, that’s not a good idea, she could be squished if we roll over-”

 

“Ryan, I think we both know neither of us moves in our sleep, and I’m willing to bet babies sleep better with their parents close,” Shane says, though he’s too tired to really notice or care if Ryan gets stubborn and moves her. He closes his eyes, lying on his side, and eventually feels Ryan slip under the covers beside him.

 

*

 

He wakes to the sound of cameras clicking and Devon cooing.

 

“Oh, they’re so cute! One big happy family!” she says, and TJ shushes her.

 

“This is the kind of blackmail material one can only hope for,” he murmurs, “don’t wake them up.”

 

“If you don’t want Ryan to murder you in your sleep I suggest you delete those,” Shane mutters, rising slowly.

 

“Then he shouldn’t have slept in the same bed as you with a baby in between,” TJ says, shrugging.

 

“What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him,” Devon says brightly, “though I am curious why he didn’t sleep in his own bed.” Shane blinks and realizes that, with Sallie sleeping in one of their beds, there wasn’t a need to sleep together anymore.

 

“It was a long night,” Shane sighs, “intelligent thought is no one’s strength when it’s been a long night.” Devon snorts, though she doesn’t pry further, but TJ’s not done.

 

“Is that why the baby’s still with you? Is that the kind of stuff people do when it’s been a long night? Baby theft?”

 

“What time is it?” Shane mutters, rubbing his eyes.

 

“Almost 2, we’ve got to leave for our flight in a bit,” Mark says, and Shane groans.

 

“We need to take the kid to the hospital first,” he mutters, “do you think we could rebook?”

 

“Possibly?” Devon says, though she doesn’t sound optimistic. Shane rubs his temples against the incoming headache.

 

“Ry,” he murmurs, gently pushing at his shoulder, “we gotta get up, Ry, c’mon.” Ryan shifts, groaning.

 

“Mmm, wha-?” He blinks several times, rubbing his eyes as he sits up.

 

“Our flight’s soon, and we still gotta get Sallie to a hospital,” Shane says, and Ryan suddenly looks much more awake.

 

“When’s our flight?” he asks, picking Sallie up.

 

“Three hours,” TJ supplies from the side, and Ryan jumps.

 

“You- how did you get in here?” he hisses, jumping out of Shane’s bed as if burned.

 

“Nice abs dude,” Mark grins, and for the first time it actually registers in Shane’s head Ryan’s been in nothing but sweats all night.

 

“Shut up,” Ryan snaps.

 

“Language,” Shane chides, getting up.

 

“Wait, 3 hours?” Ryan asks, eyes wide, “that’s not enough time to get her to a hospital!”

 

“We were talking about rebooking,” Shane says, eyes on his suitcase as he digs through it.

 

“Did you buy that outfit for her last night?” TJ asks, looking at the pink onesie Sallie’s in.

 

“Do you want me to rebook it?” Devon’s already got her cell phone out, glancing at them.

 

“This is a shitshow,” Mark mutters, hands over his eyes.

 

“Bah!” Sallie cries.

 

“Let’s just take her with us,” Ryan blurts, and everyone freezes.

 

“Ryan, no,” Shane says, exhausted all over again.

 

“We can just get her checked at a hospital in LA,” Ryan says, holding Sallie close.

 

“Has it ever occured to you she’s not abandoned and someone may be looking for her?” TJ says, “Taking her halfway across the country might make that a little more difficult.”

 

“You saw the writing on the wall,” Ryan snaps, “no one’s coming back for her!”

 

“Ryan, you don’t _know_ that,” Shane groans, “she could’ve been taken-”

 

“Why would anyone just take a baby?” Ryan asks.

 

“You mean like you’re trying to do?” Shane grinds out.

 

“I’m just saying, it doesn’t seem likely-”

 

“Ryan-”

 

“I don’t see why not,” Devon says, “the mom probably isn’t coming back, I checked the news last night and haven’t seen anything about missing babies.”

 

“Don’t encourage him,” Shane snaps.

 

“We’ve got two vs. two. Mark, you’re the deciding vote,” Ryan says, and they all turn to him.

 

“Why me?” he asks.

 

“You’re the fifth person in here,” Ryan answers, like it’s obvious. There’s a short, tense silence while he looks from Sallie to Ryan to Shane and back.

 

“As long as we tell the authorities after we’ve landed, I don’t see why not,” he says finally, and Shane stares at him in disbelief.

 

“You _don’t see why not?_ ” Shane asks incredulously.

 

“Well, jury’s out, we’re bringing her,” Ryan nods, then puts her back in the makeshift crib so he can get ready.

 

“I demand we call Brent and include his vote,” Shane snaps, “we need more people of sanity here, this court is bias!”

 

“Too late!” Ryan calls from the bathroom, and Shane puts his head in his hands. TJ gives his shoulder a sympathetic pat, before walking over and picking Sallie up. She burbles at him, giving a happy squeal.

 

“She’s got your nose dude,” he snickers, “she’s cute.”

 

“E tu, Brute?” Shane mutters, but rises to get changed.

 

*

 

All things considered, Shane probably could’ve protested harder. He’s not sure what the legalese is for finding abandoned babies, but he doubts they’re following it anywhere near to the letter. It probably would’ve been best if he’d taken them straight to the hospital, forced Ryan to relinquish Sallie, and let that be the end of it.

 

But he hadn’t. Ryan had looked at him with those big brown eyes, the same ones he’d used when asking Shane to co-host Unsolved, to travel with him to spider-infested islands, to visit cabins in woods home to uncaught murderers. The eyes Ryan absolutely knows Shane is weak to.

 

Everyone thinks Shane is the brave and impulsive one, lying on pentagrams and cussing out demons, but the things is, he’s not. If he thought for even a _second_ demons and ghosts were real, he wouldn’t go within 20 meters of any haunted location, let alone insult demons and ghosts to their faces. Ryan _does_ believe, and follows Shane through each location, no matter how crazy Shane gets, no matter how convinced he is Shane is damning them both, always just a step behind.

 

It was Ryan who started Unsolved, who signs them up for all sorts of non-Unsolved videos and cameos, who finds all sorts of creepy locations to visit in the dead of night.

 

Ryan’s the one who’s brave, who’s impulsive, who dives head-first into anything and everything with his entire body and soul. Since the first day they met, it’s been Ryan who’s dragged Shane along for every video, every destination, every adventure. It’s been Ryan who grins wide and laughs loud and keeps Shane on his toes every second of his life. From day one, Ryan’s been the one who closes his eyes and leaps, and Shane’s always just been along for the ride, trying his best to make sure Ryan doesn’t get himself killed and keeping Ryan grounded when his fears get away from him. He goes where Ryan takes him, willingly and grinning all the while, because there’s nowhere quite like at Ryan’s side. Which is probably why, in a way, this just feels like following Ryan into another adventure.

 

In a lot of ways, Shane’s life had stopped really being _his_ the second he agreed to join Unsolved. It had become Shane-and-Ryan, Ryan-and-Shane, the ghoul boys, the packaged deal, bound by oath, together forever. So when Ryan had held Sallie, looked at Shane with those big brown eyes, and said _let’s take her with us_ , a part of Shane had just said, _yeah, alright, wherever you wanna go, Ry. Wherever you wanna go, I’ll be there, Shane-and-Ryan, Ryan-and-Shane, the ghoul boys, the packaged deal, bound by oath, together forever._

 

And the thing is, as they talk to the stewardess to get Sallie cleared to fly, and Ryan waxes poetics about how difficult being a single father is, and _that's why he forgot her birth certificate, he’s so sorry, please can they make an exception just this once_ , as Sallie burbles at him from where she’s sitting in Ryan’s lap, Ryan snoozing with his head on Shane’s shoulder, as they land and Ryan begins his nervous babbling about which hospital would be best.

 

The thing is, as all this happens, Shane doesn’t regret it, not any of it, even for a second. _Maybe this was just inevitable_ , a part of him thinks, _bound by oath,_ _together forever, even in this_.


	2. Logitics

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Are you two married, then?” the nurse asks, looking down at her clipboard. There’s a short silence.
> 
> “No, uh, no, we’re not,” Shane manages finally, and the nurse gives a little frown.
> 
> “But you want to adopt her if the search turns up with nothing?” the nurse asks, and Shane hesitates, glances to Ryan.
> 
> “I’m… thinking about it, yeah,” he says, looking down at Sallie.
> 
> “Well you don’t need to be married to adopt in California, but it goes without saying your chances of being approved will be higher if you are. But as long as you’re a couple, you should stand a good chance,” the nurse says, and they both freeze.
> 
> “What about, like, single adoptions?” Ryan asks, voice strained.
> 
> “It’s possible, but not likely, especially considering the circumstances,” the nurse explains, “it takes a village, firstly, and this isn’t a typical instance of adoption, so your case for making a good household would have to be strong.” She looks up. “Why?” Shane glances at Ryan, watches his face as his expressions shift, and can already tell what’s going to happen before Ryan even opens his mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well the bad news is classes have started again and are, predictably, kicking my ass. The good news is I may have procured a beta! Possibly. Maybe. For this chapter, at least. Details tbd.

“Well the good news is she’s all healthy and happy!” the nurse says, “the bad news is you really should’ve talked to the authorities in Kansas before bringing her here.” She hands Sallie back to Ryan, who finally relaxes once she’s back in his arms.

 

“Sorry, we were in such a rush, we weren’t thinking straight,” Ryan says, and Shane tries not to laugh. Instead he sticks his finger out for Sallie to grab on to, and she makes a happy _aba!_ Sound.

 

“I’m not entirely certain what the protocol for finding lost babies in different states is,” the nurse admits, “but I’m assuming they won’t call her back to Kansas unless someone comes to claim her, especially if someone’s willing to take care of her here while the search is ongoing.”

 

“We can do that,” Ryan nods, and Shane laughs when Sallie yanks rather hard on his finger.

 

“Are you two married, then?” the nurse asks, looking down at her clipboard. There’s a short silence.

 

“No, uh, no, we’re not,” Shane manages finally, and the nurse gives a little frown.

 

“But you want to adopt her if the search turns up with nothing?” the nurse asks, and Shane hesitates, glances to Ryan.

 

“I’m… thinking about it, yeah,” Ryan says, looking down at Sallie.

 

“Well you don’t need to be married to adopt in California, but it goes without saying your chances of being approved will be higher if you are. But as long as you’re a couple, you should stand a good chance,” the nurse says, and they both freeze.

 

“What about, like, single adoptions?” Ryan asks, voice strained.

 

“It’s possible, but not likely, especially considering the circumstances,” the nurse explains, “it takes a village, firstly, and this isn’t a typical instance of adoption, so your case for making a good household would have to be strong.” She looks up. “Why?” Shane glances at Ryan, watches his face as his expressions shift, and can already tell what’s going to happen before Ryan even opens his mouth.

 

“I was just curious,” Ryan says, “I’m not sure the legalese of adopting when you’re not married, so I thought it would fall under single parent adoption. But if it doesn’t, there’s no problem.”

 

“We’ll make the strongest case there ever was,” Shane jokes on autopilot. Ryan the brave, Ryan the impulsive, Ryan, who dives head first body and soul without looking. And Shane, who just follows where Ryan takes him.

 

“Lovely!” the nurse beams, “she’s all good, so I recommend you talk to the authorities next. Also, if you could sign these.” She hands them several pieces of paper and they sign where she tells them. She leaves after, and they’re left to call in Sallie’s discovery on their own time.

 

“Alright, let’s get this over with,” Shane mutters, pulling up 911 on his phone.

 

*

 

They get chewed out. They should have alerted the authorities the second they found her, taken her right to a hospital, etc, etc. Shane zones out for a solid half of the lecture, absorbed in playing with Sallie while Ryan deals with what his choices have wrought. He plays peek-a-boo, grinning when she squeals each time his face is revealed. He only zones back in when Ryan gives his a painful nudge with his elbow.

 

“-we’ll have a social workers come check your house to make sure it’s okay for a child while the investigation’s ongoing. If you’re planning on adopting there’ll be another follow-up investigation that will be more thorough, including interviews with friends and family and a background check, among other things. You two do live together, yes?” There’s a pause and Ryan gives him a meaningful look.

 

“Sure do, officer,” Shane says.

 

“Good. It’s a bad sign if to-be parents live in different places.” The officer sounds pleased.

 

“You mentioned interviews,” Ryan says, “what would you be asking, exactly?”

 

“How you two are as people, how you are as a couple, if there’s been any red flags for abusive relationships, that sort of thing,” the officer replies.

 

“And if we’re not, uh, out,” Ryan fumbles over the word, like he feels bad saying it, “to our friends and family?”

 

“Then you shouldn’t be adopting a child,” the officer says simply, “and even if you somehow manage to get approved anyway, it’s only a matter of time before they catch on.”

 

“Right,” Ryan says, strangled.

 

“You’ve got time,” the officer says, probably mistaking Ryan’s pain as fear of coming out, “all we’ll be looking for in the short term is whether or not your house is suitable for children.”

 

“Thank you officer,” Shane says when Ryan remains silent, “anything else?”

 

“That’s all for now, but keep your phones on you, you’ll be contacted both by us and the people leading the investigation in Kansas frequently,” the officer says, and Shane gives Ryan a look.

 

“Right, okay, thanks,” Ryan manages, “bye.” He hangs up without waiting for the officer’s confirmation. He says nothing for a while, just staring down at Sallie, and Shane rolls his eyes.

 

“My apartment’s closer,” Shane says.

 

Ryan nods and follows him outside.

 

*

 

The uber to the Shane’s apartment is full of tense silence for the first half, before Shane finally can’t deal with it anymore.

 

“We’re not a couple,” he says.

 

“Shane Madej, have you just been using me for my body this whole time?” Ryan mutters, voice flat as a board.

 

“I just wanted to establish the facts, at this point I’m not making any assumptions about what’s going on in that head of yours,” he sighs, though he can’t help but smile at Sallie when she looks up at him and giggles.

 

“We don’t have to be forever,” Ryan says, voice a touch desperate, “just until the adoption goes through.”

 

“Ryan,” Shane says, giving Sallie his pinky to hold, “I’m not going to say no, but I want you to really think about this, okay? Adopting a kid is a life-changing decision. If you need my help I’ll be there, but you need to be sure.”

 

“I’m not sure,” Ryan admits, “but I’ll have until the investigation is over to think about it.” Shane nods. Fair enough, they’ll have a few weeks for a trial run, see how things go, and go from there.

 

“You need to move in with me,” Shane reminds him, “or me with you, but my apartment’s bigger. And I can’t leave Obi alone.”

 

“Right,” Ryan nods, looking almost lost, “right.”

 

“We also need to tell people we’re dating,” he adds, watches Ryan heave a long sigh, and wishes he could disagree.

 

*

 

It probably says something about Shane that it doesn’t even occur to him if Ryan’s going to be the single dad, they should probably move into his place.

Shane-and-Ryan, Ryan-and-Shane, the ghoul boys, the packaged deal, bound by oath, together forever, even in this.

 

*

 

It would probably also say something about Ryan too, if he wasn’t alway the one who leaped and left the logistics of how to land without breaking every bone to Shane. So, then again, maybe it doesn’t say much about Ryan at all.

 

*

 

The first thing they do is yank everything out of the spare room Shane’s been using as storage and dump it all onto his bedroom floor. Obi presents himself as the fire hazard he is by weaving around their feet and meowing.

 

“We got another pet for you to play with, Obi!” Shane says brightly and he hefts a box, walking it into the hallway.

 

“She is _not_ a pet,” Ryan snaps from inside the room, where he’s holding Sallie in one hand and taking the lighter, smaller objects out one by one in another.

 

“What was that you said? If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck?” Shane grins.

 

“How does a _baby_ walk and talk like a-?” Ryan asks incredulously, before looking skyward. “You know what? Nevermind, don’t answer that question. I get the feeling you’d just say something that would make me smack you.”

 

“We’re going to need a crib,” Shane sighs, staring at the now half-empty room.

 

“Using what money? Half the time we eat ramen for weeks,” Ryan asks, and Shane snorts.

 

“You’re moving in with me, aren’t you? Sell your place.” He points out.

 

“Not permanently!” Ryan hisses, “I’ll still need my place for once all this is over!” Shane considers for a moment.

 

“If we pool our money we could probably save on some stuff. Transportation, food. You could cancel the electricity and water at your place while you’re here,” he offers. Ryan’s silent for a while while he thinks about it.

 

“Yeah, I guess,” he mutters, not pleased with the idea but ultimately seeing no other solution; babies were expensive.

 

“We’ll also have to baby-proof the apartment,” Shane sighs, “that’ll be fun.” He’s already taking mental notes about cords out in the open, precariously balanced objects, “I already have caps on all the corners of the furniture since Obi likes to chew on them, which will save us some time, at least.”

 

Sallie whimpers, and Ryan bounces her lightly.

 

“Hungry, sweetheart?” he asks, already walking downstairs to where they’d placed the baby formula, leaving Shane to move the rest of the stuff by himself.

 

“No one helps me in this house!” Shane shouts in the direction of the kitchen, hears Ryan’s wheezing laugh.

 

*

 

Once they’re done, Shane takes care of Sallie while Ryan goes and grabs all the stuff he’ll need from his apartment, and tries very hard not to think about how they’re going to have to tell their friends and family they’re a couple.

 

“Forty-eight hours and you’re already turning our world upside down, darling,” Shane sighs, sitting with Sallie on the carpet. He sits criss-cross, with Sallie in his lap, reading from a copy of _The Very Hungry Caterpillar_ he’d found while clearing out her soon-to-be room. He’s honestly not sure how it got there, it might’ve been a memento from his childhood his mother had made him keep, but there’s no telling for certain.

 

“On Monday he ate through one apple,” Shane reads, “but he was still hungry.” Sallie makes a happy noise and slaps her hand over the caterpillar. “That’s a caterpillar, sweetie,” he says. She smacks it a few more times, making insistent _ah_ sounds each time her hand lands, and he gives a soft laugh.

 

There’s a knock at the door, and Shane looks up.

 

“It’s open!” he shouts, and seconds later Ryan comes bumbling in lugging several suitcases.

 

“How much stuff do you need?” Shane asks in disbelief, staring.

 

“There’s more in the elevator,” Ryan grunts, putting them down and walking back out.

 

“I think your dad’s bringing everything he owns over,” Shane sighs, looking down at Sallie, who looks up with innocent eyes. “Don’t think I don’t know you’re the cause of this.” He tickles her belly, and she squeals.

 

*

 

“So,” Ryan says, sitting down next to Shane once all his stuff’s in the room, “we’re gonna need to figure out the whole couple thing.”

 

“We don’t have to tell the fans,” Shane says immediately. “It’s our business.”

 

“Friends and family, though,” Ryan sighs, shaking his head, “and we gotta act, like, healthy and shit around them.”

 

“We _are_ healthy,” Shane points out.

 

“I mean, like, relationship wise,” Ryan says, before pausing. “And you’re as out of shape as there ever was.”

 

“I don’t need to have muscles the size of Kansas to be healthy, Ryan,” Shane mutters, a touch defensive.

 

“We could let them in on it, maybe?” Ryan says, “Tell them it’s not legit?”

 

“No offense, Ry, but as great as our friends and family are, one of them’s bound to let the truth slip. And if that happens you can kiss any chance of adoption goodbye,” Shane points out. Ryan sighs, but nods.

 

“We also probably shouldn’t be travelling until the whole thing’s over, which means mid-season hiatus,” he groans, and Shane winces.

 

“That’s… not gonna be easy to explain to the fans,” Shane says finally, and Ryan shakes his head. “We could film the pre-travels parts,” he says optimistically, “or maybe start on the next True Crime season.”

 

“And tell them what?” Ryan mutters, “we just wanted to do True Crime more?”

 

“We could tell them the truth,” Shane offers, “post what we have of the Sallie house. I’m sure they’d eat it up. Just don’t mention the couple part, or that you’re moving in.” Ryan’s silent for a moment, before nodding.

 

“Yeah, okay.” He nods. “Let’s livestream it, let them ask questions if they want.”

 

“We’ll have to get permission from the higher ups first, though,” Shane says, and they both wince.

 

Sallie makes a whining gurgling sound, eyes fluttering shut.

 

“In the meantime, we need, like, baby furniture and clothes and shit.” Ryan sighs.

 

*

 

They manage to recruit Jen to look over Sallie while they run out to Bed Bath and Beyond and the nearest baby store in the area.

 

“I was told Ryan was going to be the one adopting,” Jen says, raising an eyebrow, and they glance at each other.

 

“We’ll be, uh,” Shane hesitates, “adopting together?” Jen’s eyes go very, very wide, before she grins.

 

“I knew it!” she crows, “the lesbian gaydar is never wrong!” She pumps a fist in the air, and Shane just stares.

 

“You… knew?” Ryan asks, voice strangled, and Shane glances over to see him wide-eyed, arms limp at his side.

 

“I fucking told Brent, but he didn’t believe me!” she says, “He said you were straight as an arrow! You! Ryan Bergara!” Her grin is wide. They’re both silent while Jen gloats, and it occurs to Shane that convincing people might not be as monumental a task as they initially thought.

 

“Right,” Shane manages, “well, we really need to get more supplies, and an actual crib, so we’ll, uh, see you soon.” He hands Sallie to Jen, before tugging Ryan towards the door.

 

“Instructions are on the fridge!” Ryan shouts, trance broken at the thought Jen might feed her wrong or, heaven forbid, not arrange the pillows correctly.

 

“I’m not that incompetent!” Jen calls back, voice bright with victory.

 

Shane slams the door shut, and they both get into his car.

 

*

 

“So 20 bucks says everyone at the office will know by the time we get back home,” Shane says, and Ryan snorts.

 

“30 says most of them won’t believe her,” he replies, and Shane’s silent for a moment.

 

“50 says they will,” he counters finally, and Ryan glances over at him but says nothing.

 

*

 

Picking out cribs is, as it turns out, a complete and utter nightmare. Ryan insists the colors be pink or purple, Shane argues blue would go better with his wallpaper, and fuck genders relating to colors, anyway. Ryan says it’s because those are his favorite colors, and Shane spends 2 minutes looking to the side in deserved chastisement. They also need to find one that fits Shane’s apartment, which severely limits their options. Whenever one of them finds one he likes, either the other doesn’t like it, or it’s too big.

 

“My kid, my furniture, Shane Madej,” Ryan says, and Shane rolls his eyes.

 

“My apartment, my furniture, Ryan Bergara,” he counters, and Ryan gives an unhappy glare.

 

*

 

Shane ends up caving on the crib. He caves on the clothes, too, although Ryan does let him pick some of them.

 

“I feel like a new father being vetoed by his pregnant wife because she’s convinced men know nothing about fashion,” Shane mutters, and Ryan snorts.

 

“Men know nothing about fashion,” he says as he looks at another onesie.

 

“You’re a man, Ryan,” Shane says in exasperation.

 

“Irrelevant,” Ryan replies, and Shane just shakes his head, trying not to smile.

 

*

 

They finish their trip with more bags than can allow them to comfortably see out the back window, and Shane spends the entire ride back adamantly not thinking about the new hole in his wallet. They’d split the cost, and even still Shane’s seriously considering selling some of Ryan’s shit on ebay while he’s not looking.

 

They get back to Jen watching TV upside down with Sallie nowhere in sight.

 

“Where is she?” Ryan asks frantically, dropping his bags on the ground.

 

“Asleep in your bed,” Jen says easily, “she’s probably the least fussy baby I’ve ever met.” Shane watches the tension physically drain out of Ryan.

 

“Don’t suppose you’d be willing to help build the crib?” Shane asks, “We could use the building expertise ingrained in all lesbians.”

 

“Laugh it up big guy,” Jen says, “but if you think you’re getting out of all the bi puns, you’ve got another thing coming.”

 

“You might say we can say bi-bi to all the straight jokes,” Shane says, and Ryan gives him an exasperated look, but he just smiles back, unrepentant.

 

“You get it!” Jen grins, and Ryan groans.

 

*

 

Their phones haven’t blown up with millions of texts, and when asked Jen just smiles and tells them she figured they’ll let others know on their own time. It’s a thoughtful gesture, one which actually makes things a little harder, but Shane doesn’t tell Jen that.

 

They get the crib built in record time, mostly due to Jen’s insistence they _not_ throw out the instructions and just hand her parts when she asks for them.

 

“Why’s it purple?” she asks, “Doesn’t go with the room at all!”

 

“It’s a good color,” Ryan says defensively.

 

“Men and their sense of fashion,” Jen sighs, shaking her head.

 

*

 

Jen leaves once it’s all over, giving Sallie a goodbye pat on the head where she rests sleepily in Ryan’s arms.

 

“Good luck with the higher ups,” she says, uncharacteristically serious, and Shane nods.

 

“You wanna make the call, or want me to?” Shane asks after the door closes, and Ryan sighs.

 

“You do it, I’m gonna go show Sallie her new digs,” Ryan says, turning and heading back towards the now baby room. Shane grins, but doesn’t point out it’s the first time Ryan’s called her by her name. A grin which disappears when he looks warily down at his phone.

 

Heaven help him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also moment of fucking silence for Ryan's hair in the new season because DEAR GOD it's Shane and the Mustache all over again.  
> You both need stylists, darlings.

**Author's Note:**

> The second part of the series is going to deal with the whole, uh, demon baby thing, because no one raised by a demon for two months comes out unchanged. But for now it's just a regular ol' baby acquisition fic!


End file.
